why couldn’t i be born with an older brother who is my best friend and has hot friends that flirt with me and drives me places like mcdonalds when im sad and punches rude boys in the face for me.

My brother once sat on me and farted until I passed out

my brother duct taped me to a treadmill and turned it to the highest setting once

when I was four my brother locked me in a ferret cage for an hour on Christmas Eve

When I was 8 my brother made me watch a horror movie called “Dolly Dearest”. He then waited until I went to bed and taped a knife to my dolls hand and shone a torch on it and made creepy noises.